Full disclosure before you dive in, this one will probably be all over the place, at least structurally. It’ll probably sway back and forth from a recap to a personal love letter to the Browns, so again just fair warning.

If you’re wondering why this is victory post is so late, I was out in Tahoe for my lady’s birthday over the weekend and have just finally slept off all the unspeakable things I put my body through.

Consequently, I couldn’t experience the first Cleveland Browns playoff game in decades exactly how I wanted to.

Instead of my living room in which I’ve experienced Giants World Series wins and Laker titles, I watched in someone’s tiny air bnb in the mountains. Instead of with my dad, perhaps the longest Browns sufferer in the Bay Area, I watched with a high school buddy who bleeds Steeler black and yellow.

All this might not mean much to most of you, but in sports I’m a highly superstitious, and all these weird circumstances only made me nervous for an even weirder outcome.

And nobody has made a living off of losing in any way possible than the Cleveland Browns. But none of us could have foreseen the circus that we saw Sunday night.

So we settled into our spots on the couch as the Browns kicked off.

I’ll be honest, I had half eyes on my phone and half on the screen when the opening snap flew over Big Ben’s head and into the end zone. I was shocked to say the least, and the rest of the quarter only dropped my jaw further and further to the floor.

Pick after pick, Baker ropes to Landry, Kareem Hunt carrying 3 Steelers into the end zone, Chubb breakaways, it was fucking poetic. The Pittsburg Steelers, in postseason, at Heinz Field, were completely falling apart.

They were doing what the Browns had been doing in their matchups against one another over the last 15 years or so: sloppy, unprepared, and getting blown out from the jump.

It was 28-0 Cleveland after the first, a statement that still doesn’t feel real 4 days later. Despite a scare in the third when Pittsburg cut the deficit to make it a 35-23 contest, the Browns cruised to a 48-37 win, and will move on to battle Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs in Kansas City this coming Sunday.

I won’t take you play by play, because as I said, I’m posting this way after the result of the game, and we’ve already drowned the highlights. But in the time since the clock expired, we’ve had some news.

Chase Claypool followed his fellow receiver Juju Smith-Schuster and took his postgame comments to where all true tough guys go, TikTok live, to say the Browns will get “clapped” by the Chiefs. He also followed up that the Browns were “classless” in their victory.

I’ll remind the court this was after his team did the following things in a home playoff game as AFC North champs after one of their own called the Browns “faceless”:

-surrender nearly 50 total points
-trial by almost 30 after the 1st quarter
-trialed by 2 or more scores for the entire game except the first 5 minutes of the 1st quarter
-started season 11-0, then finish 1-5
-5 total turnovers
-punt on 4th & 1 where they could’ve fallen into a first down & actually got back into the game

Seems like the same old faceless Browns really took it to the TikTok dancers, huh?

And by the way, all postgame interviews and celebrations were literally in reference to Juju for his “Browns is the Browns” comment: the #CORVETTECORVETTE is a dig at the TikTok’s he made dancing on people’s logos, and obviously Myles Garrett and co. repeating “Browns is the Browns” is literally what your teammate said that ignited their whole fire and helped them annihilate you.

Anyways, looking ahead to the Chiefs matchup.

If you didn’t really have the Browns to win last Sunday, you’re damn sure not going to have them this Sunday either. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t even have the Browns winning in Pittsburg. I thought this is just is customary of an ascending young team in its first good season in awhile: they shock a lot of people with a surprising regular season, play hard in the first round of the playoffs, but ultimately lose, showing great promise that they’ll be back next year, but just aren’t ready for the big time yet.

With the Steelers handing the game to Cleveland on a silver platter, it appears that “just not ready yet, but definitely trending upward” game is coming just one week later.

If the Steelers had played a complete game and still fallen to these youthful, upstart Brownies, then I would be doing the talking out of my ass that I promised in my last Browns post, talking about how Mahomes was going to get sent home by America’s favorite lil’ nugget, Baker Mayfield.

But again, they blew the game seemingly before it even began, and there’s almost no conceivable way the Kansas City Chiefs replicate a stinker like that. Mahomes and his utility belt of lethal receivers look like they’ll crash the Browns playoff party pretty swiftly.

That being said, as a good fan and writer must, let’s entertain how they might win.

It’s safe to say the Chiefs completely hit cruise control after repaying the Raiders for their only real loss of the season in Week 11. A lot of close final totals don’t tell the entire story of those games, many of which were plenty decided, only seeming like they weren’t due to some garbage time TDs late by the opponent.

However, as insanely good as the Chiefs are, it’s really hard to just turn on the jets in sports, especially after not having to go full-bore to beat people since Week 12, and essentially having 2 bye weeks for your stars, as everyone sat out Week 17’s matchup with San Diego.

The Chiefs are also another team that is not lights out at defending the run, and I’ve said enough on this blog about Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt. If the Browns can survive until the 4th and somehow go up in the 4th quarter, they can protect that lead with the run game, as opposed to KC, who is similar to Pittsburg in that they rely almost entirely on the passing game to move the ball.

On the flip, this is Patrick freaking Mahomes were talking about, and the Browns should expect no favors like the got from Big Ben, but rather lighting quick drives that always end in touchdowns. But to the credit of Baker Mayfield and the Browns, they have almost completely eliminated turnovers for the other team, so they’ll look to cut out any favors themselves.

If they thought the likes of Smith-Schuster and Claypool were unstoppable last week, Tyreek Hill with Mahomes at QB is an entire other beast. Luckily, Denzel Ward and Kevin Johnson were both activated today, so at least if Hill burns us all day, we can’t blame it on practice squad replacement Robert Jackson, who I have to at least somewhat tip my cap to for doing his best in his time these past couple of weeks.

Lastly, Kevin Stefanski is slated to return to the sidelines, which might just give the team another “Browns is the Browns” type spark.

So that kind of wraps it up. Chiefs maybe come out a little rusty, Browns weather the storm cleanly enough to keep it close late, and pull off another stunner.

Either way, I am riding high as a kite on last Sunday’s win and, once again, finally having a good football team to cheer for.

Selfishly, I was intending for a Senior Citizen Super Bowl if the Browns hadn’t made it, having either Brady or Brees represent the NFC, then having Ben or Rivers represent the AFC, but having Baker and the Browns spoil that wouldn’t be so bad either.

A happy belated to my everything, sorry you had to watch Super Wild Card Weekend on your birthday but, it had to happen.

A “get em next year” to my good friend Dylan Mayer, who might see Big Ben, Juju, and many others not be Pittsburg Steelers next season, so be as kind as you can to that man.

And a big, fat, juicy, GO BROWNS!

Until Sunday…

Cheers.